It turns out that since I am using a data template, it is actually my data model that needed to set a flag to indicate it is selected
Here's the missing piece of the puzzle. Once I update the data model bound to the grid view item (which also includes support for row/col spanning), the UI updated as expected.
Hope this helps others.
public class CustomGridView : GridView
{
protected override void PrepareContainerForItemOverride(DependencyObject element, object item)
{
try
{
base.PrepareContainerForItemOverride(element, item);
dynamic _Item = item;
element.SetValue(VariableSizedWrapGrid.ColumnSpanProperty, _Item.ColumnSpan);
element.SetValue(VariableSizedWrapGrid.RowSpanProperty, _Item.RowSpan);
element.SetValue(GridViewItem.IsSelectedProperty, _Item.IsSelected);
}
catch
{
element.SetValue(VariableSizedWrapGrid.ColumnSpanProperty, 1);
element.SetValue(VariableSizedWrapGrid.RowSpanProperty, 1);
element.SetValue(GridViewItem.IsSelectedProperty, false);
}
finally
{
base.PrepareContainerForItemOverride(element, item);
}
}