What you need from the server:
Ideally your server process that you're controlling should be creating some sort of PID file. Also ideally, this server process should hold an exclusive lock on the PID file as long as it is still running. This allows us to know if the PID file is still valid or the server has died.
Receive shutdown message:
Try to get a lock on the PID file, if it succeeds, you have nothing to kill (the server has died, if you proceed to the kill regardless, you may kill the wrong process), just remove the old PID file.
If the lock fails, read the PID file and do a kill() on the PID, remove the old PID file.
Receive start message:
You'll need to fork() a new process, then choose your flavor of exec() to start the new server process. The server itself should of course recreate its PID file and take a lock on it.
Receive restart message:
Same as Shutdown followed by Start.