Answering my own question to hopefully stop the next person from tearing their hair out:
As noted here, this error message is useless and doesn't relate to the actual problem. The production Mongo driver throws away all errors in a catch block.
To find what the error actually is:
open your
node_modules/mongodb
find
server.js
look for
mongoReply.parseBody
log the
err
to see something actually useful.
In my case:
ReferenceError: collection is not defined
Edit: Node MongoDB native 1.4 is now stable, and includes a fix to this bug.