Use the following to change the memberof behaviour. I'm showing the solution here for a traditional slapd.conf configuration.
memberof-group-oc groupOfUniqueNames
memberof-member-ad uniqueMember
As for the referential integrity, you can use the memberof overlay's own setting to do this, which is much easier:
memberof-refint true
For cn=config, you probably therefore want the following:
olcMemberOfRefInt: TRUE
olcMemberOfGroupOC: groupOfUniqueNames
olcMemberOfMemberAD: UniqueMember