So, here's what I did:
if (window.matchMedia("(-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2) and (min-device-width: 768px)").matches) {location.replace("http://MY-SPECIAL-RETINA-PAGE.com") }
Now, my landing page redirects to all Retina devices except for iPhones. (I've got a lot of large photos that load into a slideshow, and while I want that high-res glory in larger Retina screens, it's not worth it to me to gain a little bit of image quality on tiny screens in exchange for making my iPhone visitors have to download those double-size jpegs for Retina quality.)